President Biden Cleared of Criminal Charges, Claims Defense: 'Giggity giggity goo!'

Biden's Classified Confusion: 'When did I stop being Vice President?'

Well well well it seems our President Joe Biden has found himself in a bit of a jam. He was caught red handed with classified materials in his possession. And no I don't mean a 'Women of the World' magazine! These were top secret documents about military and foreign policy in Afghanistan... and they were chilling in his Delaware home! Talk about hiding in plain sight!

He's Not Guilty But He's Not Innocent Either: The Giggity Defense

According to the special counsel Biden knew he wasn't supposed to have these classified materials but they just couldn't prove that he intentionally broke the law. You see folks Biden played the sympathy card. He's an elderly man with a poor memory and he couldn't even remember when he was Vice President! 'In 2009 am I still Vice President?' Seriously Joe? That's like me forgetting how many ladies I've seduced!

Trump vs. Biden: Classified Documents Showdown

Now let's talk about Biden's opponent Donald J. Trump. That guy knows how to make headlines! He had not just a few but HUNDREDS of classified documents in his possession. And when asked to return them he said 'Nah I'll pass!' You gotta hand it to him. That's some next level confidence right there. But unlike Biden Trump is actually facing criminal charges. Watch out Donnie!

Biden: The Collector of Secrets

Did you know that Biden has been collecting papers and artifacts throughout his career? I guess he sees himself as a historic figure or something. He used these materials to write memoirs and to show off to everyone that he's 'a man of presidential timber.' I don't know about you but I think he's got more closet space than a Victoria's Secret model!

Biden's Defense Attorney: 'He Takes Classified Information Seriously'

Biden's lawyer wants everyone to know that his client takes classified information seriously. He's spent decades defending and advancing America's national security and protecting her secrets. Well I've spent decades advancing my own interests and protecting my seduction techniques. We all have our priorities right?

The Saga Continues: Presidential Race Drama

This report couldn't have come at a worse time for Biden. He's already facing a tough re election battle against none other than Donald Trump. I can already hear the 'Lock Him Up' chants at their rematch debate. Get your popcorn ready folks! It's gonna be a showdown for the ages!